marți, 14 august 2012

Forever seems such a long time

All this rain coming from above... It looks a lot like my tears streaming down my face. I'm empty. I'm ashes. I'm in total pain and yet it is so beautiful. It's beautiful because this is what life means. I would lie if I'd say that I never felt this before. But I guess I'm still learning. Learning how to love, how to forgive, how to move on. In so little time I feel so many feelings. I'm confused. I'm scared. I think you never wanted something from me from the start. I was just another girl who would kiss you and make you feel better and that's all. We all look for someone who would look up after us no matter what. I guess you didn't wanted that. Maybe you're confused too. Maybe you're feeling exactly how I am feeling, but I'm not so sure. I'm so young and yet so old. I feel old. I feel like I have cried all my life and now I'm living it backwards. I feel powerless, weak... I feel useless, like an old toy thrown away by some kid that got bored. I'm not a toy. I am HUMAN and I'm hurt. Why do you need to make things more complicated? Why can't you just decide what's the next move? I feel like a retarded person staying here and waiting for you to make up your mind. Don't worry, time is short, I can't wait forever. You'd better have some guts and tell me once and forever what's on your mind.

Because I'm done waiting. It's now or never.

luni, 13 august 2012


Imi tot spun: "E ok, nu doare. O sa fie bine"; adevarul e ca doare al dracului de tare. Daca as putea, mi-as baga un patent in torace, as distruge coastele si mi-as scoate inima cu el. Definitiv si irevocabil. Dar uite ca nu se poate. Si uite asa tre' sa sufar eu ca proasta. Pentru ce? Pentru NIMIC. Ma agit, ma zbat ca intre viata si moarte, dar daca ma gandesc mai bine... E in zadar. Problema e ca povestea se repeta la nesfarsit. Sunt in dubii. Ori sunt eu ciudata, ori dau numai peste oameni nepotriviti. As fi in stare sa-mi scot inima din piept si sa i-o ofer. Doar ca nimeni nu vrea asta. De fiecare data cand imi scot sufletul la suprafata, ajung sa plang in pumni si sa ma sfaram in bucati. Imagineaza-ti ca cineva iti rupe pielea bucatica cu bucatica, fasie cu fasie. Ei, exact asa ma simt eu acum. E inimaginabil ce simt. M-am mai simtit asa... Dar, parca pe masura ce cresc, durerea asta se intensifica si cred ca undeva in viitor va atinge apogeul. Mi-e frica sa nu cedez. Nu prea m-am gandit la asta... Si stiu, mai am mult de trait, de vazut, de simtit. Dar totusi sunt om. Sunt om si ma doare. Simt ca oasele mi se rup in mine, ma simt neputiincioasa, folosita. Ma simt... Neapreciata. Poate nu am gasit inca omul care sa ma aprecieze la adevarata mea valoare.
Sa stii ca pot mai mult. Pacat ca nu vrei sa ma cunosti asa cum ar trebui defapt.Nu-ti pare rau, stiu, simt asta. Poate sa iti para rau daca tie nici macar nu-ti pasa? E chiar imposibil. Dar nu-i nimic. Regretele o sa-si spuna cuvantul intr-o buna zi.

No title

It hurts. It hurts like motherfucking hell. All these feelings from the past few days proved me that I am weaker than I thought. It feels like someone keeps scratching my spine with a tiny blade. And my stomach, well,  my stomach it's filled with thousands of rocks and sand and still, it feels so empty. And not speaking about my heart, it is in pieces... It's an emptiness that I never felt before in my entire life. It's like someone's playing with me, and he certainly is. Why is this meant to be so complicated? Why can't we just enjoy our life, our little laughters, our endearments, our walks, our hugs, our kisses? Why do we always have to question things, to act before thinking, to let the dearest ones to be killed by pain day by day. It's a inner fight that I can't stop. "I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed". I shouldn't have responsed to your kiss back then. I realise now it was a horrible mistake, I almost regret it. But still it felt the best thing to do. Maybe I had no choice. Maybe it was destiny, but it doubt it. You are the master of your own destiny. You make it happen. You chose it, not backwards. Well, if that is true, I wish I could go back in time and beat the shit out of me until I realize that what's going to happen it's just a wandering of time. I feel like the universe it's tryin to tear me off this planet without me knowing. I need to leave all this behind me. I guess I can do this, but not right now. Maybe in time... It won't hurt so much as it hurts now. It's all my fault. I should've known better with who I'm messing around and not skipping to conclusions so quickly. But a lesson lived is a lesson learned. I'll follow my own path from now on. No one can stop me. I'm changing.

vineri, 3 august 2012

Hey you

Ultimele zile... Au fost ciudate. Nu stiu de ce simt asta, dar parca sunt cu totul si cu totul alta persoana. Stii ca m-ai ranit, mi-ai frant aripile, m-ai distrus. De ce te-ai intors? Ca sa-mi dai si mai tare viata peste cap? Sa ma bulversezi total? Sa ma ametesti? De ce? De ce vrei sa ma ranesti din nou asa cum ai facut-o si atunci, stii tu, n-are rost sa mai explic. Am avut incredere oarba in tine, m-ai dezamagit. Intr-un fel iti multumesc ca mi-ai deschis ochii in legatura cu cine sunt oamenii cu adevarat. Multi au disparut subit din viata mea, sau daca nu au disparut, au plecat... Poate se vor intoarce. N-am incredere in oameni. Nu pot sa am incredere in fiinte ale carora singurul scop este sa se simta ei impliniti, calcand peste mii de cadavre. Si cate victime... Cu totii suntem victime, mai mult sau mai putin si pacat ca unii dintre noi nu constientizam. Ne lasam purtati de val, ne lasam absorbiti de decorul fascinant ce ni se arata, fara sa realizam ca dincolo de cortina are defapt loc actiunea. E trist, ma intristez mereu cand ma gandesc ca te-am iubit, asa cum am facut-o eu, in felul meu, dar te-am iubit si tu stii prea bine. Doar ca orgoliul tau a fost mult mai mare in balanta cu sentimentele tale pentru mine si aici mi s-a cam rupt firul.

Nu mai conteaza. Toate acele seri in care veneam plangand acasa si imi gaseam alinarea pe umarul mamei, sau a tatalui... Toate acele seri... Imi pierd memoria. Flashback-uri. Mi-as fi dorit ca atunci cand m-ai lasat sa plec, macar sa-ti iei ramas bun. Asa stiam sigur ca nu te vei mai intoarce vreodata. Dar nu, ai ales exact opusul.